I support impeachment proceedings against the Vice President but oppose them against the President. I also think the Department of Justice should strip Sean Lennon of his citizenship, if in fact he has American citizenship. Did he pop out over here or in Europe? Somebody help me out…not just anybody.

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People talk about beer guts, but I think office workers can have coffee guts unless they take it black. Most office workers average six cups per shift. Factor in two cream packets–twelve in a day–and you have a coffee gut. Or at least a coffee chin…double.

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My grandmother told me she never voted until she reached her sixties. Prior to then she “had too many kids.” Prior to then she was pro-family.

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From the Homos in High Places Department: Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) reportedly propositioned an undercover cop yesterday in a men’s bathroom. When the cop tried cuffing him, Sen. Craig whipped out his business card and asked, “What do you think of that?” I think it’s wonderful, but I guess the cop didn’t follow politics. Instead […]

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Today I stood behind an eldery man with a last name like Hastings at a ticket booth at a university’s Parking Office. He dropped his full title–Professor Emeritus of history–several times and made it abundantly clear that he wanted a fifty-percent discount on his semester pass (”because I’m Emeritus”). One thing about blue-bloods, their rabid Anti-Semitism comes firing back at […]

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This year I taught elementary school, and when I covered lunch kids would throw mustard packs at me. I worked at a “progressive” school, so I could never ask rhetorically, “What’s your problem, kid?” And I could never say decisively, “That’s it. No recess for you tomorrow.” Instead I had to sit them down in […]

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If Joanna Newsom ever stopped singing in falsetto, she’d join that rarified company of indie rockers who don’t sound 1)feeble or 2) like something off the Freak-of-the-Week novelty rack at Your Local Hipster Record Store. But even now she gets away with this extravagance because her vocal melodies–if not her vocal quality–stand up against anyone else’s.

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For the most tragic performance in modern screen acting history post-Mobile Brando, please add Love Liza, starring Phillip Seymour Hoffman, to your Netflix queue this instant. If any more desperation shone through his character, I would have developed an ulcer by the time the credits rolled.

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Tonight in my English fluency class, I taught a shopping lesson. I introduced the word “discount,” and someone made the connection to “discount rack” at a record store. Another student instantly made the connection between “discount rack” and “Whitney Houston.” I felt excited for my students, and I felt sorry for Ms. Houston. I felt conflicted. […]

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Brooke Astor, alive for 104 years and dead for forty-eight hours, ranks as the 20th century’s finest Limousine Liberal because she got out of the limousine from time to time and read to children in Harlem. Most mid-town housewives don’t even read to their own children, much less the kiddy flavor-of-the-week at Hillary’s fundraising events. 

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If voters want a “small gub’mint” they’ll have to move to Finland. Fred Thompson tells his base he wants a “small gub’mint” but fails to mention his lobbying work in the early 90’s for an earmark worth several hundred million ”gub’mint” tax dollars for a nuclear testing facility in Tennessee that never worked properly.

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Film bores even its creators.

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Iran’s Revolutionary Guard has found itself on the State Department’s official terror watch because, according to a history professor on NPR this morning, “They function not just as a military but also as a vast industrial complex.” Hmm…Bush clearly wants to decimate the regime with non-stop air-raids and then watch as reformists install themselves at the top of […]

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MSN.com offers relationship advice next to dispatches from the Green Zone. This gesture comes from either an extremely cynical webmaster or an extremely stupid one. Generation Y distinguishes itself as an extremely cynical and extremely stupid lot. Previous generations could only lay claim to stupidity. So we win!

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Red Rover, outgoing Lucifer Incarnate of 1600 Penn., says he’d like to spend more time with his family. I’d imagine he’ll sucessfully lobby for extra visiting hours at Fort Dix.

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